I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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