I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
