i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
