I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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