I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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