I accidentally had phone sex last night
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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