We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The air was thick with penises
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
