highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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