Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
