remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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