I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
