Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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