I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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