Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
