trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
