I feel like abortions should bother me more
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
