i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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