My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
