I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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