I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
