New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
