I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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