She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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