really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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