FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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