u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
