I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
