This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
