I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
