it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
