His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I skipped work to stalk him.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Panties = found
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
