went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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