People in love make me want to vomit
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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