you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
