i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
