i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
