Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize
