He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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