her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i would one night stand the shit outta him
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
