i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
3pm strippers are depressing
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
