i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
