Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
