I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
