Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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