yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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