I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
