I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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