Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You can't special order awesome
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
