nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
