sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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