theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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